OUTMANNED BY PEEWEE
(or How I rediscovered PeeWee's BIG adventure)
Sara, have you ever seen an episode of Peewee's Playhouse? You know the guy who got caught jerking-off in a porno house and got his show cancelled. Well in recent years, the old show started to reappear on syndicated channels. I found it while channel surfing and got hooked again. My ex-girlfriend Sally caught me watching it and goofed on me about having a crush on a little sissyboy. I just ignored her.
Well one morning I went out to mow my front lawn and there was Sally catching the sunrays. (She did look hot). Since she had an apartment, she didn't have a place to tan, and hated the fake tans from tanning beds. She said she had a birthday surprise for me and what do you know on the next lawn chair was the one and only Peewee talking doll. She said Happy Birthday and told me she got him dirt cheap at a yard sale, because when you pull the string in back he just giggled instead of talking. She said "He is all yours. Please give him plenty of love". I meekly smiled. I told her a better birthday present would be a hot French kiss from her. She said no way. I said, "Well you gave one to that black guy who groped you at Hooters" (where she works as a waitress). She said, "I have to be friendly to all of the customers, those are the rules. Anyway, I bet you were checking out the bulge in his pants". I said, "Yeah right. It's still my birthday." I persisted. She knew I cornered her on that one. Her sexy scheming eyes looked around and then she said "Alright you won". "Really?" This was to good to be true. "But first you have practice". "On who?" I replied. "On him". She lifted up the Peewee doll and pushed it in front of my face.
RECREATING CRUEL INTENTIONS
Sally said, "To kiss me you first have to practice on him". (the doll) I said, "Thats rather gay?" She said, "Do you want to learn or not". Then it hit me. By wearing sexy sunglasses, Sally wanted to recreate the kiss scene from the movie "CRUEL INTENTIONS". (That hot scene you can can find on YOUTUBE). You know where Sarah Michelle Gellar (BUFFY) teaches airhead Selma Blair how to kiss, so she can use it on her black boyfriend.
I played along, acting like Selma I said, "Okay". I felt it would be worth it, if that's what I had to do to get a sloppy wet French kiss from Sally. Sally said, "Good now wet your lips and gently kiss Peewee on the lips". I went ahead and did it to get it over with and kissed the doll while Sally held it in front of me. Then she said, "See that wasn't so scary". Playing Selma, I said in a high-pitched voice, shaking my head up and down with a smile, "Why it was nothing". Sally said, "Okay now kiss him again, but only this time I want to stick your tongue all the way down Peewee's throat". I said "Are you for real?" Her quiet angry stare made me realize I better not fool with her. So I did what Sally told me to do. I could barely fit my tongue in his mouth, never mind down his throat. (GUYS DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME) Sally commanded, "Push further. More, C'mon you can do better then that". Even though I was choking, I somehow managed to stretch out my tongue all the way down his throat. Sally persisted, "FURTHER c'mon show me what a little fairy you really are. Push further. Is that as far as you can really go?" I shook my head ready to throw up. "Are you sure? Good. Hold it there." She pulled the string in back of the doll and he starting giggling. The sound went right through my tongue and down my throat. Sally quickly pulled out her cell phone / camera and snapped a close-up shot of me French kissing Peewee. She flipped her cell phone shut, and left me saying, "My girlfriends are going to love this picture". God, my reputation as a macho man was now ruined.
LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL?
Later that afternoon Sally called and said her girlfriends were coming over to give me my birthday present. I said to myself, yeah right, not after she tells them what I did. So later that day, I gave myself a birthday treat, a bowl of strawberry jello with lots of whipped cream, sitting out on my front lawn with my shades on and my little American flag waving over me. (That I got for Columbus Day weekend) When all of a sudden three hot looking girls drove up in a car who recognized as Sally's girlfriends.... They got out of the car and said, "There he is". I said to myself, hmmm she must have not told them what happened. You sold yourself short. See there is light at the other end of the tunnel. You just had to wait a bit longer, that's all, and now you're going to have a hot orgy for your birthday. They all ran to me screaming with lust. Triumph! But then they ran past me and and rushed over to Peewee. The girls picked him up, holding him like a baby, passing him back and forth saying how cute he was. I was crushed. I knew that my manhood had finally hit rock bottom. I could not even compete against a little gay dummy who just giggles. I allowed myself to give one last try."Can I get you girls anything?" Without looking up from the dummy, one of them said, "Yeah get us some beers". I did what I was told.
JEFF STRYKER
When I came out of the house with a tray of beers, the girls were all back in the car. I said "Where are you going?" They said they had to get all dolled up for Ladies Night at BOBBY COX. I said that's a fag joint. They said, "That's why we are expecting you to be there. By the way, we just loved the picture of you kissing Peewee. Happy Birthday! We left you your present. Ta Ta". They drove off laughing and waving goodbye. Then I noticed my little American flag was missing along with my can of whipped cream and my sunglasses too. I looked behind me and knew that I should have known better. There was Peewee sitting there with my shades on with my flag wrapped around him. Disgraceful. They must have gotten the idea from the website: LOVERBOYS USA. You know where the male strippers wear a flag to hide their goods. I opened up the flag and was shocked to find a rather large Jeff Stryker dildo with with lots of whipped cream on it and a string wrapped around it and tag attached saying: Happy Birthday Wayne. I lamented to myself, it's my birthday and I don't have a girl to make love to tonight. So I said an Our father and Hail Mary and looked to my left and right side of me. Crossed my heart and said God forgive me but waste not want not I must not waste the whipped cream. I put my head under the flag. THE END.
P.S. MONTREAL MEAT: CUMMING SOON!!!! (Wayne goes back to Montreal to humiliate himself further in the gay district!)
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