A Game of Inches!

peewee, UK correspondent, weighs in on the Superbowl, and yes, American Football is gaining many fans in the UK as the NFL promotes heavily there....


As Superbowl XLIII approaches, this would seem a timely moment to outline, and debate, my latest theory. I would propose a definite proportional relationship between 'football performance' and 'penis size'.

This somewhat unconventional link emerged in my mind after Empress Sara had expressed comments that she enjoys NFL games for the opportunity to enthuse about the huge bulges in the black players tight pants. Even though he is white, Sara also informed me of her (and Nicole's) sexual appreciation of "Big" Ben Roethlisberger. I read her excited words and as they ran through my mind later that sunday whilst watching The Ravens at The Dolphins, I felt so hopelessly inept. I was viewing huge, successful athletes competing as men in an epic display of speed, skill and size. If I felt like a weak, under-endowed white boy before, I was, at that moment, utterly emasculated! I could not escape the fact that I am simply not man enough to compete with these 'men'.


It was also noticeable that the game's star performer, Ed Reed, seemed to possess a ludicrously massive bulge. It made me muse that perhaps being hung like a horse is an attribute that assists sporting prowess. I appreciate this may initially seem a ludicrous proposition. Clearly, TO can hardly catch a ball with his cock - however long, thick and impressive it no doubt is - nor can Joey Porter sack the QB with his stiff, black knob! However, when one gives greater thought to the matter, one must give credence to the possibility that "a good big'un will beat a good little'un" - and "yes" I'm talking about penis size!

Penis size is a topic that affects men in a fundamental and primal way, often inducing cringes from little men. Many under-endowed males grow up and feel insecure about their masculinity, as open young ladies, the media and their own instincts tell them that the bigger the bone he carries the bigger the man he feels! Consequently, small men, keeping their insecurities deeply hidden inside, suffer inevitable damage to their emotional well-being. Men with a smaller manhood, can be described as suffering from Penile Inadequacy Anxiety Syndrome (PIAS), symptoms of which are;

1. persistent worries that his penis is smaller than those of other men;

2. obsessive thoughts about the role of penis size in women's sexual satisfaction;

3. sexual inferiority complex with a phobia for rejection.

PIAS symptoms however, do not merely affect men in the sexual domain. The effects span into other walks of life, not least of which is the team sports arena. To simplify the connection, I will present the links in the same numerical order as above:

1. a reduced likelihood that a male will frequent locker rooms and communal showers, thus risking a humiliating exposure of their shameful endowment;

2. a feeling of emasculation reduces the inclination to gravitate towards masculine contact sports populated by 'real men';

3. the phobia of rejection prevents a male from subjecting himself to the possible disappointment inherent with team selection and squad trials.

Clearly, the side effects of being under-endowed will heavily impact on a man's potential to progress in team sports, particularly masculine contact sports such as football. It therefore follows that conversely, males with massive penises will feel like the true Alpha males! Teams filled with hung players will possess a roster with utter conviction and competitive instincts honed through the developing years of their lives, which will ultimately be rewarded with consistently strong, uncompromising performances.

Empress Sara recently cited to me the much lauded football flick, 'Any Given Sunday', correctly observing that Cameron Diaz was obviously in awe at the penile prowess of the naked black athletes she encountered in the (early) dressing room scene. However, I would take this opportunity to refer to another dressing room scene from the same movie, in which the wise coach, played by the legendary Al Pacino, utters the immortal words:

"You find out life's this game of inches. So is football. Because in either game, life or football...the margin for error is so small...the inches we need are everywhere around us. On this team we fight for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know that when we add up all those inches...that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing!"

I rest my case - in football, size matters!! So beware, The Cardinals this Sunday.... because Empress Sara's big cock radar has detected serious inches in The Steelers camp!!

Yes, Nicole and I detect the major inches are with the Steelers. We would like to do Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu, but haven't found any hotness or as many inches on the Cardinals team. Especially, Matt Leinart, ewwwwww....

Why can't that girl in the pic be me, I want to party w/Ben!!!!