And you might as well do the dishes while you're at it....

I am looking for guided masturbation and tease and
denial and humiliation. I would like to be told to
wear a condom AND latex gloves (or dishwashing gloves)
because I am such a stupid disgusting faggot that I am
not even allowed to actually feel myself touch my cock.

Lots of laughing at me for how stupid it is that I am
jerking exactly how you tell me with gloves and a rubber
and how funny it is that I would take all the verbal abuse
and sissy name-calling just for the privilege of doing what
you tell me to do only to amuse you.

Sniffy's Confession

Sara, I did as you told me and wore my CB2000 to the strip club. I paid $10 for a lap dance and made sure the girl could feel it. I'm sure the girls are used to the guys looking for more friction, but for other reasons. Well this girl Tisha gave me a look, she was very puzzled and I finally said don't worry, it's locked up. Oh, she said and smiled, I like that. And she really went at it grinding and grinding. I thought I was going to faint from the pain of my little dickie straining against its cage. After the dance she went backstage and came out with 2 other girls, she said this is Alanna and Stormy. They giggled and whispered something to each other. Com'n Tisha said, and they all took me backstage. I'm sure other guys at the club were jealous, but didn't know the real reason I was getting dragged back there. On the way past the mens room and to their dressing room, this big black bouncer gave me the evil eye. He let me pass by with them, but that look could have melted me as if I was made of wax, which most wimps are.

So they took me into the dressing room. There were more girls there doing make-up and hair stuff. Tisha announced that I was going to do a little show for the girls and told me to pull down my trousers and then once I did that, Tisha and Stormy tugged off my boxers. So there it was, my pink CB2000 for all the girls to see, and laugh at. My peenie was a little leaky too, how embarrassing.

Oh it looks sooooo unhappy, Stormy said. But it's really where it belongs, Alanna said, it's soooo tiny. I confessed to them about how a girl I know locked it up, that girl is you of course, on Niteflirt, but they thought a girl physically locked it up so they all laughed, and one of the other girls said, I hope she threw away the key!!!

Then they took my boxers away and threw them in the trash and looked around for a g-string to put on me. Gigi quit last week, there's probably some strings in her locker, said Alanna. So they found a red g-string and slid it on me and I felt so humiliated. Here are some others said Stormy, I was handed a bunch of used g-strings. I pulled up my pants and left. The bouncer called me a pussyboy under his breath as I walked by. He probably knew I was going to go home and sniff the g-strings, which I did, because it's as close to pussy as I will ever get.

An honest response to the Beta Male Quick Test!

I would first take a good look with the thought of running home to beat off to the image of her but then I'd pull over. As I quickly changed her tire she would probably notice me drooling over her hot body and perhaps get a bit irritated, "while I appreciate you helping me in my time of distress this isn't an invitation to check out my body." I'd lower my eyes in shame and apologize but of course that would just change my focus to her feet and high heels. Naturally I wouldn't be able to control my hard on so when I finished and came around to the drivers seat where she has been sitting and waiting for me to complete my task and it would be obvious. "what the fuck is that" she'd say pointing to the little tent between my legs, as she reached up to slap me. I'd fall to my knees before her as she angerly stabs out at me with her foot. "how dare you" she'd say as her spike heel connects with my cock and balls. I'd grimace and cry out from the pain and after a few stabs to get me away from the door, she slams it closed and takes a last look at me, she sneers, "thanks for changing the tire you pathetic loser..." then rolls up her window and pulls away leaving me in a cloud of dust on my knees with a hard on at the side of the road. Then I'd go home and jerk off.

even kinkier ending.
After pulling forward about 50 feet she slams on the brakes. She backs up to where I am kneeling and rolls down her window. "I know you are just going to go home and jerk off so instead I have another way you can be useful loser and you get to look at my pussy? I say sure anything and she has me run around to the other side of the car and lay flat on the ground. She gets out and walk around and stands on top of me one foot on each side of my head. "now put those hands under your ass and do not move them - good - now open your mouth really wide" "you must know that I had to wait quite sometime for someone to pull over and I really need to pee..obviously there is no toilet around her and you couldn't expect a lady like me to just go pee off in those bushes could you..?"
She grabs her skirt with one hand and pulls it together revealing her panty clad crotch. She bends down about half way and pulls the panty to the side so I can see her beautiful pussy. "Okay loser open wide and get ready to do your job" Before I know what hits me a hot stream of her pee shoots out directly into my mouth. She fills my mouth and I swallow and repeat about 10 times until she is empty and I am full. She takes a tissue and wipes the last few drops as she stands up and readjusts her panty and skirt. Of course her tissue is also thrown into my mouth to consume. She laughs and she notices my little tent "and you still have a little hard on how cute, you pathetic loser...I guess you were useful today and deserve some thanks". She reaches over with her high heel shoe and rubs my crotch a little. That is all it takes as I cry out and shoot my load right there in my pants. She smiles and laughs and shakes her head. "you truely are pathetic aren't you toilet..stay right there on the ground" She gets back in her car and starts it up to leave. She opens the passenger side window poking her head out to look down at me on the ground and asks me for my cell phone number. She tells me to lay there on the ground until after she leaves but her parting comment is you never know when I might have some odious task for a loser like you. She pulls away once and for all leaving me in a crowd of dust and a load of cum spewed all over the inside of my pants.

Beta Male Quick Test

If you saw a beautiful woman pulling a spare tire of a trunk to change a flat tire, would you:

a) check out her ass to jerkoff to later
b) stop to help
c) stop to help and secure her phone number
d) offer her your cellphone to call a real man or service male
to change the tire

The analysis will be posted in near future, for now, answer honestly!!!

Overheard at the Club: See Saw

Girl to another: So did you see his cock?

Girl: See it? I saw it, I see sawed it! I sawed it with my mouth for like a half hour!

Other girl: Why didn't you see it with your (points to pussy)

Girl: OTR

Other girl: Ohhhhh

Translation of girlspeak: OTR = on the rag

Overheard at the Club: Sorry Wrong Number

(Girl talking to her friends) So this guy calls and he's like hey what's up and he's talking to me like he knows me and shit. Wrong number, but he sounds hot and he thinks I sound hot, so I sent him to my myspace and he sent me a cell phone pic so now we're meeting up tomorrow nite. (Holds up cell phone and shows 2 friends his pic). Hotness, one girl says. Channing Tatum needs to call my 'sorry wrong number', says the other girl....

(I secretly agree. He needs to call me too!!! Sara)

July's Biggest Loser of the Month! finally....

Spurtnik

Biggest Loser of the Month!

This scanned pic is old, granted. The loser even admitted it dates back to the Mesolithic age of computers, mid-80's. He was young, and well, what a stud! The hair, the 'stache, the glasses, the edgy pose with the cigarette. His rig, check it, his rig was impressive, what is that an old 286? When that photo was taken, most likely in his paneled basement, make that his Mom's paneled basement, it was state-of-the-art, hard to imagine!

I guess he doesn't want us to see the fatter, middle-aged version of himself, or the new rig he uses to surf for porn, or give away the secret that he may still be living at home, and jerkin' it to his flatscreen monitor, in Mom's paneled basement.

I am so sick of Truck Nutz!!!

I am so sick of Truck Nutz a/k/a Bulls Balls and Git 'er Done Bumper Stickers! You would think Florida would be the land of the snowbirds, tourists, jetset and Latino emigres, but no, there is another element that languishes here, the Florida White Trash. Usually native to Florida, the White Trash take their airboats out in the swamps and shoot gators, make belts out of snakeskins (after eating the meat mmm tastes like chicken), and drive pick-ups with Truck Nutz!!!

Truck Nutz are getting so popular that when I went to a school football game with Jesse last year, there were people partying in the parking lot with truck nutz in school colors 'mounted' on their rides.

I can only see a few permissible uses of Truck Nutz.

If you are a small dick faggot, then you should drive around with this on your car or SUV, to indicate your preference. This should be your 'come hither' sign to big black dudes, kind of like an EZ Pass medallion. Make that EZ Ass in this case.




And, of course, this use seems perfectly logical:

Piece of Chyna

A friend forwarded me a pic of Chyna Doll's pussy peen. Apparently when things got bad, after her wrestling career was over, she turned to porn for income. Judging from the pic, I would say Chyna Doll is a hermaphrodite. And her peen is bigger than most of the lil dickies in my dick pic collection! When a girlie has a bigger dick than you, it's time to go gay.

Big Gay Brother

Nicole red alerted me to gay times on Big Brother. She TIVO's this show, why(?) I don't know, I've only caught snippets here and there, it's too much talkie-talk for me. (Snore sound) I mean does anything ever really happen? So apparently one of the dudes on the show, while lying in a hammock with 2 other dudes, talked about how he had fucked a pumpkin. Why would a dude confess that to the camera with 2 other dudes in a snuggle-up on a hammock unless he is fucking gay! I mean really. Why not just ask one of the dudes, hey can I fuck your butt pumpkin! Click on the title of the blog post to reach the youtube.com clip.

Combined Penis Size Less Than 7"

So apropos that they had their picture taken in front of a dumpster...

Taking the Bull by the Horns....

I think everyone now knows the story of the 2 brothers from California who saved up their $$ to go to Spain for the running of the bulls. But they got a little more action than they expected! Maybe they told the big black bull, it's ok, you can just stick the tip in! Beta boys always seem to feel the need to prove how manly they aren't!

It's a Sign!!!

I came up to my car in the school parking lot and found 2 dragonflies having dirty bug sex on it. As my one grandmother would say, it's a sign! But then again, everything was a sign to her. So it's a sign that I'm going to be having a lot of sex this weekend??? I can only hope. Plus it's Friday the 13th, hmmmm....

Calling All Losers!

Calling All Losers!

Where are the losers when you need them the most?

You might have noticed I haven't posted a July loser yet. That is because I have not received a photo and loser confession loserly enough to post. Pathetic! Are all you losers on vacation? Do I have to resort to re-posting the Stinkbob photo and an update on the celebrity loser I have created? A few of my NF fans have asked me to set up a Stinkbob t-shirt on cafepress.com and they will buy it! Another wants me to set up a Stinkbob Fan Club and feature Stinkbob merch 4sale. Vom!!!

So. Losers. That. Means. You.

Send me your loser photos and confessions. I need to pick me a winner hehe.

Stud Baker

I giggle at the variations on the Nigerian scam emails. This one from South Africa, I would assume by the contact email addy. But who would believe 'Stud Baker', I mean not even a porn star would use the name, gay or straight!


--- JOHN KALABI wrote:

> Date: Wed, 4 July 2007 17:09:14 +0100
> From: JOHN KALABI
> Subject: FROM JOHN AND SARAH KALABI
>
>
>
> PLEASE I want to crave your indulgence in reading
> through this mail to
> understand my predicament. My name is John Kalabi
> and my younger sister is Sarah
> Kalabi from Sierra Leone , who is currently residing
> here in Accra-Ghana. All
> hope of having a better future was shattered by the
> war in Sierra Leone , I and
> my sister being the only surviving family of a gold
> merchant in Sierra Leone
> will were left with no alternative than to flee to
> Ghana . Please I am
> contacting you to assist me and my sister to
> retrieve and receive our
> consignment over there in American that contains
> 15million United States dollars
> and some quantity of gold and Diamond, which I
> cannot specify. The consignment
> is presently in American. The consignments get to
> the state through the help of
> Dr Clinton komelo. The fact is that Dr Clinton
> Komelo is supposed to have
> delivered the consignment to a man called Mr. STUD
> BAKER in American. The week
> Dr Clinton Komelo is suppose to deliver the
> consignment to him, when he got to
> American after clearing the consignment from the
> Airport, he call Mr. Stud Baker
> to tell him the description to is house for the
> delivery, but is wife answered
> the call and told Dr Clinton Komelo that her husband
> Mr. Stud Baker had a fatal
> car accident which lead to his death some few hours
> later. Mr. Stud Baker has
> already paid the demurrages from the security
> company, he paid for the Bullion van
> that took the consignment to the airport and he paid
> for custom check report he
> also assisted us in getting the DRUG / ANTI
> TERRIORIST CERTIFICATE, which is so
> expensive that he spent 25 thousand united state
> dollars to acquire it, but
> unfortunately he died in a car accident, that was
> why Dr Clinton Komelo has to
> deposit the consignment with a warehouse over there
> in American and called us to
> informed us about what is happening, and told us to
> look for a new beneficiary
> to received the consignment. So please I will like
> you to assist I and my sister
> to received the consignment from the diplomat in
> American.
>
> I await your urgent response.
>
> Thanks and God bless you
>
> John & Sarah Kalabi.
>
> Note:Please kindly reach me and my younger sister
> sara kalabi with this email
> address for further details:johnkalabi@webmail.co.za

Blonde Bikini Fireman

"Steven S. Cole, a former volunteer firefighter , on Thursday pleaded guilty to a charge of operating a vehicle while intoxicated and disorderly conduct.

Municipal Court Judge George Parker sentenced Cole to attend a mandatory driver intervention program and placed him on two years' probation. Cole was ordered to stay out of the city's public parks during that time and pay a $250 fine.

Parker also suspended Cole's driving privileges for six months, except for work, counseling sessions, family appointments and visits with his probation officer.

Police arrested Cole on April 4 in his truck as he was leaving Heritage Oak Park in this Cincinnati suburb after parents complained about a man dressed in women's clothing.

Police said they found an open, half-empty bottle of beer in the truck, along with a gym bag containing wigs, bikinis, silver go-go boots and other women's garments.

Cole's blood-alcohol test registered 0.17, more than twice Ohio's legal driving limit of 0.08, police said.

The arrest report said Cole told an officer he was on his way to a bar in another city to perform as a woman in a contest offering a $10,000 prize."

The bar in question, was a gay bar....I do have callers on NF, the only way they can crossdress, meaning lose their inhibitions to do so, is to get drunk, so I'm not surprised about Blonde Bikini Fireman. But apparently, he was also 'fondling' himself along a bike path in the park. Although with that level of blood alcohol, he probably had 'whiskey clittie dick'. I wonder what performance he was planning, a Britney Spears number, from back in the day, perhaps 'Slave4U'? Or Nancy Sinatra's 'These Boots are Made for Sucking Cock' while wearing the silver go-go boots? We'll never know. Bikini Fireman was married with children, somehow I doubt his wife ever knew what secrets he kept in that gymbag. Oddly enough, he doesn't look embarrassed in the photo at the cop shop.

Overheard at the Club -- Bodily Fluid Check

Saliva? My saliva is doing just fine, thank you! {One dude to another}

So why don't you two just go swap some, ga-ga-ga-gay!!! Sara

Duh on me, my friend Nicole says they were probably doing ecstasy and the one dude was checking to see if the other was dehydrated, a common prob w/doing E. But I bet if they didn't find some chicks to roll with, they ended up on GayStreet!